As-Salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatahu,
This is not something I usually write about and I much prefer sharing my opinion on most issues with my sisters and close friends - but I felt compelled to share my thoughts on this one!
The Real Sex Lives of Muslim Women
When I first saw this article floating on my timeline, my first instinct was to scroll past it. But instead I paused and wondered what in the world could this be about. The person who shared is a good friend of mine from India and though we have our differences, I know she would never share anything crude. In fact, I am very thankful for most of what she shares! Knowledge is power. "The title is very misleading" she commented. And so I clicked the article open...
What I found was not bizarre, unfamiliar or even wild to the imagination. I like to think I've heard it all before. It was a very open, unfiltered discussion between two Muslimahs about sex, intimacy, love, their sexual orientation, their experiences growing up in homes where 'sex' and all things related were taboo, forbidden thoughts - all while struggling to hold on to their relationship with Allah.
You can read it here.
While the average person would have closed the article half way through, both curiosity and concern got the better of me. I quickly tucked away feelings of condescension, relief and gratitude from having been steered aright (Alhamdulillah!), and instead replaced them with pity, love and a desire to help any Muslimah going through a similar ordeal.
Why does she feel this way?
What should have been done?
What does she need to hear?
What can I do?
What can we (as a Muslim community) do?
I soon realized how much work needs to be done. Yes, really.
While sharing beautiful, heart-moving reminders and advice is very important (I actually look forward to it daily!) it is absolutely not enough.
We, the parents, educators, counselors, neighbours, community members, etc., need to take charge of our young Muslimahs and allow them to have open conversations with us about anything and everything. We need to respond and not react. We need to talk with them and not at them. Share our own experiences and how we overcome it, and not simply ask them about theirs. Not just our own kids, but all the youths we come into contact with. We can't take it for granted that everyone has someone to talk to.
Let's use the opportunities we have with these girls such as maktabs and schools to include sex-education, relationship advice, marriage (the before and after), the importance of self-love, embracing their bodies and learning how to take care of ourselves inside and out. Remind them that getting therapy is okay.
Keep abreast of what's going on in society, so that when they do decide to come up to us and strike up a conversation, we're not totally lost. And no, we can't sit in our modest garbs and tasbeehs, unmoved by what's taking place around us and confident in our Islamic "wokefulness". It's not gonna work. And it's not enough.
We need to re-write the "Western Muslimah" narrative! We need to let those on the outside peering in and those on the inside hiding out know what we stand for, that it is very possible for us to live in a western society as upright, responsible Muslimahs who recognize our worth, and conduct ourselves in a manner that pleases Allah.
We need to be as one of my beloved teachers always advised: "exemplars" and "ambassadors" for this Deen. The entire discussion in summary is a conversation we absolutely need to be having. Though, the Muslimahs in the article come from a Desi background, this is an issue that exists in many - if not all - communities.
This whole rant is aimed directly at myself first and foremost. I only encourage you and anyone else who finds this to have a closer look at what is happening in our communities and look at ways that we can help to steer them in the right direction.
On a positive note, I liked how these sisters were able to relate their past and childhood experiences to some of the negative thoughts and ideas they had growing up. Many times, people have all sorts of issues in their adult life and can't even understand why they feel that way or what experiences have impacted them in adulthood. This is a good start. I'm not sure if it it can be reversed… Perhaps someone with a background in psychology or psychiatry can shed some light on this…
What we can do is approach them with genuine concern, love, and hikmah. Perhaps, you've never been through anything like this, grew up in a near-perfect home and surrounded yourself with the most pious peers - Alhamdulillah. Just remember to be gentle with these fragile hearts.
But if you, like many of us, have found yourself in a place you weren't supposed to be, struggling to find yourself, fighting to hold on to any chance of a relationship with Allah and survive in a world that makes the sin look like the most. beautiful. thing. ever. then know that you are quite possibly the voice the younger generation needs to hear from the most.
And of course we need to make lots and lots of du'a in sha Allah. It's the least we can do.
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Offense is only taken, never given, but I do apologise in advance if you felt any way reading this. I ask that you forgive me for any wrong doing and short comings.
May Allah guide us all and grant us the tawfeeq to be upright Muslimahs and to do right by our families and this ummah.
